Been awhile

I know it's been awhile, and I'm sorry about that. Guess if I'm going to expect people to read and comment I should write some more.

I've been a spanko/sadist, or whatever label you wish to use, for as long as I can remember. Let me explain, from the as far back as I can remember, my fantasies have always revolved around spanking or sadistic pleasures. I believed that I could evolve a vanilla relationship into the spanko/sadistic relationship I wanted/needed.

Eventually I married a wonderful woman and we've been together 26 yrs (23 married, 3 living together) I spent the first ten years trying to convert her before i realized, it wasn't going to happen. If I was going to enjoy this type of relationship, it would have to be outside of my marriage.

I'd like to go into that a little here and now. I came from a broken home and grew-up with a stepmother, brothers etc. Details don't matter there but the result was a resolve inside of me of 2 things. I would never allow myself to be controlled by others, especially in a relationship. It was renewed and stregnthed in me when I joined the service. After 2 years of someone telling me what to do and when to do it, LOL well that was enough for me.

The second one was, choose wisely, and choose for life. I love my wife, she doesn't fulfill this part of my life and never will. All I can say is this, my marriage doesn't survive IN SPITE of what I do, it survives because of it. That sounds like I am trying to justify in my mind, what I am doing. I'm not and It doesn't, I've chosen the lesser of 2 evils, the easier of 2 paths if you want.

Lately I've been struggling, this part of me is screaming to come out more. My thoughts have been consumned more and more each day of living the life. I find myself daydreaming about a LTR relationship built on spanking/bdsm. Yet each time I am yanked back to reality knowing that, at this time, it's an impossibiity. I fall asleep each nite dreaming of a sub/brat (not the same thing, but a mixture of both) and awaken to reality every morning. When I am not having that time (bdsm/sub/brat) I am thinking of it. When i do have that time, I am in heaven.

"So do something about it" you say. Sounds easy, and i wish it was that easy.
I am a sadist, I enjoy giving pain and watching the reaction, then making it all better. I revel in humiliation and shine at doing it. But hurt? I can't knowingly hurt someone, emotionly. Don't get me wrong, it's happened, I've done it and it tears me up inside. I would rather suffer the pain inside of me than hurt someone else. I was never hit as a child, but the emotional scars from years of emotional abuse, took years for me to overcome. I can inflict pain and watch the tears flow, with amused interest, but to see that emotional hurt look in someones eyes, its' more than I can handle.
This has caused me alot of pain and self-inflicted hurt (emotional because I would rather be hurt than lash back and hurt) Times I should have spoken up, I kept my mouth shut. Some have said I am a non-confrontationalist (is that even a word?) but if that confrontation is going to hurt someone, I would rather let it pass or absorb that hurt myself.
At work I am the exact opposite, I take care of business. Then again, it's not personal, it's business.


Well that's enough for today, hopefully tomorrow I will be back and see a comment posted :)

SOS